OK, so I have kinda put this one off because I don't fish for compliments and didn't want the sympathy posts to flood my feed...but I gotta get this out there for all the other "I used to feel pretty," girls.
Before my diagnosis, I was in good shape. I ate what I wanted (pretty much) but exercised regularly. My body was in great shape. My hair was always shoulder length or longer, and I wore appropriately fashionable clothing and shoes. For a middle-aged broad, I looked pretty good. A woman knows when men check her out (because let's face it, they aren't exactly discreet buggers) and it happened pretty frequently when I went out.
Now? I am carrying 25 extra pounds, my hair is 60's sitcom lesbian styled (think Alice from the Brady Bunch) and I wear sweats and kicks ALL. THE. TIME.
So those obvious sideward glances I used to get?
Not so much.
It's ok, considering I am married (most days happily so---Hi, Honey!) but that little confidence boost you get when someone is checking you out? Haven't had one in almost a year.
That kinda sucks.
Don't get me wrong: my worth is NOT tied up entirely in my looks...thank GOD, because going bald woulda killed me if it was. But, I no longer feel attractive. At all. EVER. And THAT is not good.
I'm smart enough to know that outlook is a powerful tool in the "kick cancer's ass" arsenal. And as someone who has *officially* ass-kicked, I feel pretty good. That said, I'd like to feel pretty again....and not in the "Hey, you've been thru hell, you look damn good despite the trip," kinda way.
I know I am not the only one struggling with this. And that's why I am posting this entry: so that all you gals who *used* to feel pretty know that you're not alone. Because you're not. We're here...we just don't wanna have a pity party over our looks, when we're still here living and some of our friends are not. Yeah...survivor's guilt in the face of vanity is an ugly thing to behold.
This disease is cruel. It kicks your ass, it threatens your life, steals your looks AND your confidence.
If it were a person, it'd be doing 100-life in the state pen.
And hopefully while there, it'd be forced to be someone's bitch.
